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Around the time of early morning, often around three, I awaken to sit and pray that this will be another good day. Though, I look at how much I have done this and realize this is when my mind can start forming thoughts without thinking of anything, specifically. When the thought process is independent of any destructive ideas that try to fight their way in, it keeps me in line with my purpose for this day and not so much giving into depression.
Lately, there are times again when I fail to meet the expectations of others, which made me anxious, but now that does not bother me at this point. The only one I need to make happy is myself, and I am not bound to anyone. For years, living with my mother until she passed, I learned in all relationships, there is a time to commit and communicate properly. Since then, I have gained independence, and I have met women along the way I love, but as far becoming seriously attached to anyone, it has not happened. Even for my one and only marriage of two years, for which I was not ready, I understood that there are certain relationships that must take faithfulness from both me and her.
With that marriage, I made mistakes but did not take full blame, but my love was more of an infatuation like the ones in my youth. I was in it for physical experience only and not to cultivate a true love, which I know she had for me than I had for her. I saw it in her eyes every time she looked at me, but I did not reciprocate that feeling. I felt bad about not being able to love her like she did me. It was inevitable that it would not last.
I paid the price too many times, as with that marriage and from swindling people before and long after that time. I threw pearls before the swine and now am struggling, currently for being so vulnerable with people who have no concern, except their own selfishness.
This life has resulted in too many living nightmares regarding about a dozen of the people I have met. Yet, I did not set boundaries and lost much for it, which is a harsh reality for having empathy for everyone.
God, I often wonder, what is in store for me next, as I sift through all the wins and losses of my life so far. From now on, everything will happen naturally but not with or without questioning it first.