In this life, I am, sometimes, between heaven and hell. Metaphorically, I call it “no man’s land.” It is in a time and space of ambiguity. It feels like a plateau where I neither go forward nor backward. I become suspended between the good and bad, but it gives me a sense of complacency I do not enjoy.
All of us go through trials and tribulations, but I know right now, I must fight all my battles alone without anyone supporting me including family and friends, but not by any fault of them. I led myself here, by my lack of commitment to one idea, person, or plan. It is a long sit in the waiting room with other people, who are going through an analogous situation to me. I notice there are people that cannot manage it as well and must have somebody by their side during the entire process.
My independence has kept me strong, and I must suffer any pain alone right now, whether it is physical or emotional. Though, my mental toughness is steadily improving since I have been through so much psychologically in life. The dozens of shrinks I have talked with and the narcissists I have been around really did a number on me in my past. I will not be the victim anymore and not so easily manipulated by smooth talking persuasive people selling something to me like I did previously. I can see manipulative tactics everyone uses to get their way through years of experiencing and falling for them, but that has ended now since finding the truth and knowledge of how people are.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “a foolish inconsistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,” and this made me more coherent with my actions since learning that concept. There is also the idea originally authored by Rita Mae Brown, a mystery novelist, who said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” This phrase, too, is wrong with respect to quantum mechanics. In high-energy colliders physicists repeatedly collide particles the same way but get different results, thus debunking that quote.
As time goes on, even certain theories will get disproven too and replaced with new theories proven into laws of science, physics, mathematics, nature, and in other fields.
In conclusion, even though I am in somewhat of a spiritual purging state, I continue to have the ability to learn.